She's Gone
by Risikia
Summary: When Alex commits suicide a week after school ends how will Paige react? Rating downgraded to T.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: **She's Gone

**Rating: **M

**Summary: **With Alex's sudden suicide how will Paige react? Morbid. One shot.

**Chapter 1: **Gone

It was a cold, blustery day and I was relaxing on my bed, relaxing and listening to AFI when my mom's words interrupted my day dreams.

"Did you hear me Paige, you have a phone call"? my mother asked me slightly opening my door.

"I'll be down in a minute, but if it's Alex I don't want to talk to her" I replied as I was taking off my headphones.

I ran down the stairs dreading if it was Alex. As I picked up the phone I heard it was Alex's mother's voice. She was drunk off her ass.

"I have some bad news. I'm not sure how to put this so I'll just tell you straight out. Alex has killed herself."

I dropped the phone as I heard this and tried not to release the tears that were pooling in my eyes. I ended up hanging up the phone as her mother was saying "Paige are you there"?

I ran up to my room and released the tears. My face was hot and my body heaved. I pictured her dead body. I wondered why she did it and if it was because of me.

It was a week after graduation and the girl who I loved was dead. It was a month before I would head off to Banting and Alex would've remained here.

I felt so numb. I couldn't feel anything except a huge void. I wanted to feel something, anything.

Now all I wanted was Alex. To hold her, tell her everything was okay. Now she was gone. I wanted to refuse to believe it; and to think that she was still here.

I really regretted breaking up with her, maybe if I hadn't she wouldn't have killed herself. It's all my fault. I started to cry again.

I had to go to her funeral, face her mother. I dreaded it more than any exam I ever had to take. I would have to see a coffin.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: **How Could It Get This Bad?

**(A/N : This chapter includes lyrics from Evanescence. I do not own them. I'm going to be switching every other chapter with Paige's or Alex's thoughts.)**

I sat on my bed thinking about anything and everything.

I started writing in my journal because the thoughts were coming to fast to process them:

_I'm a graduate. I have the rest of my life to figure out. My future. What future? I'm unemployed and will never make anything of myself, just live off welfare._

_I can't take the stress, or anything anymore. I'm so sick of being me! _

_Paige broke my heart. I loved her so much. Hell, I still love her. She was my everything. I'm so lost without her. _

_Paige won't miss me will she? Hell, I don't think anyone will. _

_I remembered the rumors of Ellie Nash and her cutting. To me it sounded pretty good. If you're going to cut, you might as well just kill yourself. Which sounded pretty good. _

_I tried to find something sharp. I searched through the house. I searched the kitchen for knives but they were all dirty, my moms room which there was nothing, my room, only to find rope. The rope is what I will use to hang myself. I'm done with life. Fuck it!_

The song Missing by Evanescence was playing when I hung myself when my body was discovered by my mom.

_Please, please forgive me,  
But I won't be home again.  
Maybe someday you'll look up,  
And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one,  
'Isn't something missing?'_

You won't cry for my absence, I know.  
You forgot me long ago,  
Am I that unimportant?  
Am I so insignificant?  
Isn't someone missing me?

Even though I'm the sacrifice,  
You won't try for me, not now.  
Though I'd die to know you love me,  
I'm all alone.  
Isn't someone missing me?

Please, please forgive me,

_But I won't be home again.  
I know what you do to yourself,  
I breathe deep and cry out.  
Isn't something missing?_

Even though I'm the sacrifice,  
You won't try for me, not now.  
Though I'd die to know you love me,  
I'm all alone.  
Isn't someone missing me?

Even though I'm the sacrifice,  
You won't try for me, not now.  
Though I'd die to know you love me,  
I'm all alone.  
Isn't someone missing me?


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3:** Before The Funeral

**(A/N: This is Paige's thoughts before the funeral. Some of the things I wrote in this chapter are how I feel sometimes. I think I know where I'm going with this story.)**

It was a miserable day. The weather matched my mood perfectly - cold, rainy, dark; even though it was summer. It was the day of Alex's funeral. I was dreading it immensely.

It all started when I woke up startled from the dream I had had. It was about Alex and her funeral. Everything was pink; the chairs, coffin, blanket, and even worse her dress. Her mother had been laughing hysterically at the funeral despite all the other people crying (including me). The minister had said some nasty words about her and then said "I'm glad she's dead." Suddenly, as if on cue, Alex opened her eyes and got out of her coffin. She then said in her squeaky voice "It's okay everyone, I'm alive. I was just playing a cruel joke on all of you."

During the past few days all I did was cry. I'm sick of crying. I'm so worn out. Yet, worst of all I had slipped into a depression. Without Alex I felt like my life should end. I was nothing without her. I missed her so much. She had to be still living, this was all a joke. My dream would come true (except for the whole pink-funeral-thing). I feel so guilty for breaking up with her, it's all my fault that she has killed herself. I feel so useless. I'm sick all of this. I hate the way I'm feeling. I should be happy about going onto Banting, to start my future; but without Alex I don't have a future.

I had to pick out an outfit for the funeral, yet anytime I looked into my closet I would start to cry. Just looking through my clothes would bring back memories. Each outfit representing a different memory.

The funeral was at one. I couldn't eat anything sue to my stomach felt like it was tied in knots. I didn't want to go. No one was forcing me (except myself). I just wanted to get it over with.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**: Time For Mourning

**(A/N: This chapter has the song "I Will Remember You by Sarah McLachlan. I do not own the words or the song)**

It was weird, being a my own funeral. Everyone was freaking out. That's one thing I didn't imagine how my funeral would be.

However, I did imagine the cold, dark, rainy day. I imagine my coffin: the gun metal gray coffin with white lining and the white cover that covered my body. I was in the only black dress I owned that didn't remind me of Paige. It was black and hugged my body perfectly. Of course, no one would see what was inside the coffin due my mother's decision for a closed coffin funeral. The funeral would be outside, unlike the psycho Rick's funeral.

My senior picture would be placed on the top of the coffin. The song "I Will Remember You" by Sarah McLachlan will be played. My friends and family will be standing around my coffin crying and mourning my loss, or will only a few people show up?

So, I leaned back against the tree and noticed all the people that came to my funeral. It was more than I ever thought. People from my family came that I never met. Go figure, that they come now when I'm dead. My friends from Degrassi came to say goodbye. Paige came, she looked so hurt. She was the only one that didn't cry. I mean even Hazel came, of course I think it was just to comfort Paige. My mother came, sober, and without her boyfriend.

A minister spoke. He said things like I lived a good life, and I was a good person. Yet, this minister didn't even know me!

I wanted to be there and hold Paige. She was hurting, terribly. I could feel her pain, read her thoughts. Only I couldn't do that with anyone else. It was weird, yet cool at the same time. Paige went up to the coffin and whispered so no one could hear .

"Alex, if you can hear me. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for everything I did".

It started to rain and everyone tried to escape it. Then, she stood there and embraced it. She raised her arms as if she were flying. Her tears mixed with the rain so you couldn't tell them apart.

I would have to make sure that she received the letter I wrote for her.

_I will remember you  
Will you remember me?  
Don't let your life pass you by  
Weep not for the memories_

Remember the good times that we had?  
I let them slip away from us when things got bad  
How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun  
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one

I will remember you  
Will you remember me?  
Don't let your life pass you by  
Weep not for the memories

I'm so tired but I can't sleep  
Standin' on the edge of something much too deep  
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word  
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard 

_But I will remember you  
Will you remember me?  
Don't let your life pass you by  
Weep not for the memories_

I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to loose  
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose  
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night  
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light

And I will remember you  
Will you remember me?  
Don't let your life pass you by  
Weep not for the memories

And I will remember you  
Will you remember me?  
Don't let your life pass you by  
Weep not for the memories  
Weep not for the memories 

**(Another A/N: I will update the next chapter in the next few days. It will be the last one.)**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: **Goodbye

**(A/N: Some of the words in the letter are lyrics from Without You by Plumb.)**

_Paige,_

_You did not do anything to "make me" commit suicide. I did it all myself, and I am responsible. I am sorry for any pain I have or will cause you. I did it because I was sick of everything. The fighting, abuse, my home life, but not you. _

_I still love you, with all my heart. You were the best thing that has ever happened to me. You kept me here, until I reached my breaking point. I will always love you. _

_Love,_

_Alex_

_P.S. I'll be your guardian angel and always will watch over you._

Paige finished reading the letter for the hundredth time. It had been four years today that Alex had killed herself. She sat in her car outside in front of the cemetery where Alex was buried. She contemplated going home. Yet, she decided that she had to do this. It was the only way that she could let go and move on with her life.

She kneeled down in front of the gravestone and pulled out a letter. She read it with intensity. "It's been four years since you died. So many things have changed. I graduated top in my class in college - I have a good paying job. Yet, ever since you died, I haven't been able to date anyone else. Alex I still love you, but I need to move on and let go." read Paige from a letter. She wiped a tear from her eye and kept reading.

"I miss everything about you - your hair, eyes, and your laugh. Hell, I even miss your squeaky voice. I just miss you Alex." she blew her nose on a tissue and kept reading.

"It's been hard without you. I sunk into a depression and no one could help me out of. I shut everyone out - including my own family and friends. I felt so lost without you. It's taken me four years to even come to visit you." She stopped reading and stood up to meet the figure walking towards her. She then recognized that it was Hazel. She embraced her friend in a hug and wiped more tears from her eyes.

"Alex I still love you. Thanks for everything you have ever done for me. Most of all thanks for being my guardian angel."

"I still somewhat blame myself for your death. I said some things that I shouldn't have. I realized that I hurt you and it hurts me ten times more. I got in the car, turned on the lights and the radio...I drove really fast, and I cried hard."

"Most of all I came here to tell you goodbye and try to move on in life. So, goodbye Alex. I love you."

**The End!**


End file.
